Against the advice of my friends and family who will now fear for my personal safety, I am writing this post as an open letter to the wild packs of bicyclists that race through our city streets, leaving a bloody trail of death and destruction in their wake. OK, so I’m a little prone to exaggeration, but please hear me out.
I do not object to anyone’s right to recklessly endanger his own life on streets that have repeatedly proved fatal to previous cyclist over the years. I do not even object to sharing our streets with riders who do not understand most of the customary rules of the road. I do, however, have a few basic objections I would like to raise.
First, while I am sure that casually chatting shoulder to shoulder is a vital part of your sport, riding two and three abreast in the middle of the road while rows of cars back up behind you is unacceptable. Additionally, as your mothers should have taught you, it is inappropriate to yell hostile profanities to drivers who politely request that you ride single file.
Red lights really do mean stop and yield signs mean yield. And please refrain from barreling over the elderly in crosswalks. While I realize your really neat outfits and accessories make you feel special, it is arrogant to believe your hobby should interfere in the lives of those around you.
I have thought very long and hard trying to understand why otherwise rational and intelligent people would behave this way and I am working on several theories. Maybe this is just the cyclists’ version of road rage we have been reading so much about. Or maybe these packs of riders are simply adopting the aggressive pack mentality of other species (e.g. the wild dingoes of Australia). My latest theory is that perhaps those excessively tight stretchy pants are somehow cutting off the flow of vital oxygen to the brain.
In any case, to those of you guilty of the above, please consider a few small changes to your routine. Ride single file. Stop when you’re supposed to. Consider a bike path and try to refrain from giving the finger to anyone who voices any objection to your habits.
Lastly, I realize that a letter of this variety will undoubtedly generate a certain amount of hate mail. To those of you who do insist on attacking my position, please do me one favor before responding:
Stop for one minute. Take off your tight pants and breathe deeply. Now doesn’t that feel much better?
Thank you for your time.
.
the politically challenged 